Our guest bath toilet seat went kaput. So we went searching for a new one and found quite by accident the “IntelliSeat” at Costco. We transferred the master bath’s old seat onto the guest toilet and the new Intelliseat was installed onto the master potty. My sweet hubby told me when we made our purchase that this should be quite entertaining. Little did I know, I was going to be the star of the show.
The box says this thing is amazing and comes with its own remote control. Some of the features are: a heated seat with an adjustable temperature control; temperature controlled final air drying cycle; and three wash buttons with water temperature and pressure control (We will speak further about pressure control later).
The washing buttons are divided into ladies and men. The ladies have a front and backside wash button. While the gentlemen only have a backside washing button. The men in my family explained to me, in extensive details why they would never even remotely consider using the lady’s frontside wash button.
Being the adventurous type with A.D.D., I quickly reviewed the operating instructions and decided this thing was simple and safe to operate. So I volunteered to be the guinea pig. Without any hesitation, I dropped my pants. Naturally the entire family, including the dogs had to be present at the “inaugural sitting”. As the seat warmed nicely, I was thinking this was a good investment. Next, I tried the warm air blower. I thought this is even nicer than the seat warming feature. Finally I decided to explore the washing features.
First, let me just say you should read ALL the instructions when using this type of device. I apparently missed the part about adjusting the water PRESSURE! I luckily pressed the lady’s backside washing option and not the frontside. To say I was taken by surprise is an understatement. The screaming I concocted, originated from a primal space we are never suppose to visit.
My first thought was to jump up and run. About the time I was seriously considering this option, my brain fired back that if I “HOP up” my entire family would be drown right there in a few seconds. Then I noticed that even if I had wanted to run, I wouldn’t have been able to get over the bodies of my hollowing family. They were hopelessly rolling on the floor, their sides hurting from delirious laughter. Finally, DESPERATELY, I found the STOP button and slammed the entire force of my being on to it.
After a few minutes of recuperative breathing and the contemplation of a huge glass of wine, I was ready to CAREFULLY explore the final features of the new potty seat. This time, I put the water pressure at the LOWEST possible setting and pressed the Ladies frontside wash and waited like a man on death row.
I was pleasantly surprised this time. A nice gentle soothing wash of my lady area was quite refreshing. I then noticed the oscillation button and ventured into one of the last features. Again, I experienced an enjoyable function. This dear readers is when I should have STOPPED. But no, I’m the “Curious George” type.
As I’m about to relinquish my throne to the next family member, I notice the man’s backside wash. I think to myself “How much different can a lady’s backside be from a man’s backside.” In the spirit of true investigative reporting, I decide to find out. O.M.G. I may have killed every curious cell (forget bone) in my body.
Let me try an explain this final potty experience. When I pressed the man button, I forgot the pressure button (Welcome to the A.D.D. Brain) fortunately it was only set to the middle THRUST setting, otherwise someone would have had to call the EMT’s (That’s if any of my family members could have chocked out the words over their laughing fits). Apparently some sadistic bastard thinks that men need a fire hose to wash their backsides. The force that hit me in an opening that was clearly developed as an EXIT ONLY was SHOCKING. I would have probably passed out if it had been set to the “Katie Bar the Door” position.
The cleaning force was so strong and efficient, that I could have immediately gone to my Gastroenterologist and had a colonoscopy performed. No more drinking that nasty moviprep for me, from now on, I can just visit my little toilet seat. Just a second of “Man Washing” was enough to cause a small seismic episode right here in north Texas. Luckily my finger had been hovering over the STOP button before the MAN mode near launched me into my neighbor’s yard, right over the bodies of the now roaring people I formerly called family.
As I wobbled like a Weeble to try and gracefully extract myself and my dignity from my new adventure, both kids started yelling ME, ME, I’m next!!! Apparently, they were living in a different dimension than the one I had just experienced.